Sunday, January 31, 2010
in all the
in which i've
they now expect
one to volunteer;
do it for
for the love of it--
that's what 'amateur' means.
it's the latter---
Friday, January 29, 2010
besides not wanting to kill myself, my near future according to me will look something like this [i hear god laughing somewhere]:
james and i are in the process of trying to get his company to be able to legally sponsor me as an employee. it's an obstacle course of checklists and requirements, but we're going through it check by check. what will we be doing? we've developed a soil remineralization product, called geo-gro, made from stones----remember the injunction for me to 'follow the stones'?
right now the 'climate' in the uk, political, environmental and social, is about as supportive as could be asked for such a business venture. an excerpt from this guardian article:
who the hell reads poetry these days?
all laws and contracts
on paper, papyrus and stone tablets;
three for one!
the highest identity,
for when the first person [i]
knows itself [committed to living]
then second [you]
and third people [he, she, it]
are invited into the trinity.
three for one!
no heaven necessary.
dividends in your pocket---
love paid back treble...
three for one!
so, why can't i sign
the papyrus on the line?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
news bulletin: dan doesn't want to kill himself. repeat: dan does not want to kill himself.
yikes! i'm blushing...embarrassed about my capital-r romantic outpouring of the few previous posts! maybe i should cut down on the schubert leider...maybe some sunshine would help ;-)
seriously, i thank you, my friends, for reading, caring and writing to me very eloquently and skillfully...i always assume incorrectly that no one is watching...how glorious to know that i'm wrong!
Monday, January 25, 2010
....then i know that things are turning around in my psyche....
i mean, literally, in my dreams....it's a recurring dream [more meaningful than the 'i'm in my underwear and am late for a test' type---though they certainly have their use] in multiple forms that always signals a process of deep unification, not the typical western male fetish of going 'asian'----though i think the reasons behind both phenomena are similar: coming together [easy now] with the 'other', whether it be outwardly or inwardly foreign; she represents previously unrecognized parts of the self becoming recognized. in my case especially, the 'left' meets 'right' [east meets west] sides of the body, hemispheres of the brain, methods of dealing with the world, paradigms ring true.
so, i spent some quality rem-time with her...and i get the feeling that it is she that i will have to court before any non-disasterous courtship can happen in the 'real' world.
i wonder if asians dream of americans or africans [or any other, take your pick] when something in their psyches congeals?
the above 'dream-date' [sorry!] followed a day of heavy processing. i wrote frantically and honestly about my early musical miseducation [obliquely referred to in my previous depressing rant] and really felt the pain of the loss 25 years later.
a word about [my] depression: yes, there are people who can't function or who would destroy themselves without medication...but i'm not one of them, though i've been a friend of darkness for as long as i can remember. my depression is based on not feeling feelings that i need to feel to be able to move on; medication would prevent this process by killing the feelings with numbness and apathy. yesterday, i felt a neat parcel of them, personally addressed to me...
i hear a lot of 'but you have so much not to be depressed about' types of pep-talks. some i appreciate, some are patronizing, most miss the point. the point is this: my process [verb] is stuck on the inside. my outside [noun] experiences could be far worse...marauding hoards have not ransacked my village, making me watch them perform unsavory acts to those i love...etc. but then again, the same could be said of most people in the modern western world. this type of outdated thinking is a cognitive dead end and only leads to an insidious type of survivor's guilt. if we are ever going to step into a healthier framework, we have to find tools to deal with this guilt and its ilk, like being able not to feel bad about seriously considering or asking the question, 'what do i want to do with my life?' then, i think, we'd feel our abundance, actually feel it...then we can give it freely!
this is maslow-ian hierarchy of needs stuff:
we first world-ers have long since won the battle for things, material survival ['physiological' and 'safety' levels of the pyramid], but it is amazing that we still have the vestiges of the thinking ---a scarcity consciousness, if you will---that helped us to fight and win the battle. perhaps that is the real scar. the victory has become a trophy which has become a fetish we worship onanistically, a reflected exaggeration of our power---technology. how interesting that as soon as we nail down the bottom of the pyramid that the upper levels start to show cracks---the nature of our problems changes. they become more subtle, ethereal, abstract, not as gross and material. refined is the pompous, yet true, word. we need to develop a more refined technology of the upper three levels. not gadgets [things]. different ways of thinking. then we can help others build and repair their pyramids. the life of bill gates illustrates this process almost-novelistically well: from world's richest techno-capitalist to world's biggest philanthropist in 25 years....and what have i done in the past 25 years? ahem...
back to my point: treating depression in a 'thing', noun, materialist way has become the norm via the technology of drugs, and, hey, if you're depressed because your nerves are deficient in certain neurotransmitters, then this is the appropriate solution. reach into the noun [your skull] and tweak the mechanism...bang. done. bill my insurance [ah, if i could afford it ;-) BUT, if you happen to be having upper pyramid issues, different tools are needed.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
been depressed for a number of weeks, pretty much constantly, with slightly lighter moments intervening occasionally; hence, the lack of posts. been amazed at how quickly my perhaps immature, naive faith can turn into despair! same coin, two sides....
the other night, james and i watched 'death of a salesman'. the last time i saw/read the play was high school, when such characters seemed distant and unlikely. now, however, i'm amazed at how much i've grown to resemble them...living in fantasy, in essence, not being there for pretty much my entire life...an absentee human...middle age welcomes me with stinky breath, poor memory and words.....that.......just..........seem..........to......................................
i almost laughed out loud, when, standing in front of a bookcase in the living room of my city-stay apartment, i spied a spine that sported the title: 'what do i want to do with my life?' by po bronson. it's very refreshing! even though it's billed as a 'self help' book, it lacks the annoying new age jargon which makes me want to buy and use an automatic weapon. it's people's stories of their quest to answer this very question, compassionately related by the author.
i've realized that i gave up taking that question seriously starting in 5th grade, completing the premature process in 9th grade. both times i let myself----but then again, does a young child have an actual choice?-----be talked out of special studies and playing musical instruments, the only things i've really cared to do with myself...i haven't found a replacement....and it's been 25 years!!!
even imagining that i have inoperable cancer can't shake me out of my stupor ;-) [in the visualization, i don't suddenly take that trip or meet my love or find sudden peace or forgiveness or walk to meet the dali lama or become anything...i just £%£^^£^%£ing die unglamorously, unceremoniously, silently, painfully and.....very ALONE!]
Thursday, January 7, 2010
sigh inhale exhale
Friday, January 1, 2010
ah, a symmetrical date that the uk and the states can agree upon---there are 11 others, when the day and month are the same number. the english put the day first, then the month; americans do the opposite.
ah, a fine binary date: off, on, off, on, on, off.
ah, happy new year! may it be as rare as the blue moon which kicked it off...
my new year's eve was spent at an interesting concept for a dinner party. the brainchild of gary, james' brother [who is also responsible for the banana wreath photo], all the guests were assigned a course of the meal to prepare. no guest knew what any other guest was making. high-blown restaurantese descriptions were written and a menu was compiled and printed by gary's son, izambard. my text read as follows [you might recognize it]: