two british-isms for things going wrong
most people, if asked, would've said that this moment was inevitable...
last saturday juliette, james' girlfriend, expressed that she didn't want to share her space with me; not for 6 months, at any rate----that she wanted to go back to the way her life was before i arrived [which is not possible even if i left tomorrow]...
so...basically i'm seeking a place to live for 4 nights/week, during the times when juliette returns to norwich. james' brother has offered his place till december 1st, when he gets an official lodger. i'm taking him up on it! but then what? i've been reflecting pretty hard about what has come up for me...and not really getting anywhere, honestly...
why has having a home been such a constant struggle? either sold out, priced out or kicked out...my thomas moore reading has influenced me towards an archetypal reading of my situation: i have no home, and attract such treatment through a combustible mixture of being poor and not knowing myself... in a 'new age' way, these two share the same root. having a home is having a place is having a self. i can accept this: i haven't paid into life enough to join it and reap the, not necessarily material, bounty. and not knowing myself means that others can't either. what do i tell them? what's my literal and figurative story? now, i can really see this dynamic! there's nothing people despise/fear more than the unknown, whether it's projected onto death or foreigners.
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I'm confused. I mean, it's obvious that she hates you because you suck, but the particular manner in which you suck is left to the reader's imagination. Pray, elucidate.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness: Do you think that it's something intrinsic to your personality, or is she simply reacting to the presence of an agency that is taking James away from her? It's possible, although probably not probable, that the answer to this question might help you deal with the situation. It sounds like you're gravitating toward thinking that her regard is drawn into the event horizon of your negative space, and she wants you to stop distorting her local continuum. But do you actually have a reason to jump to the self-deprecating interpretation, skipping over that first possibility - that she might be equally bothered if it was a new hobby instead of you that was bleeding the Jamesness from her world?
a couple of things:
ReplyDelete1. a hobby is intermittant whereas i was constant.
2. it wasn't so much time as space. when juliette's been home i've let them spend time mostly with each other. but i've still had mass and take up space...so to speak...